Wednesday, September 28, 2005
the days melt into each other.. yesterday was the same as today will be the same as tomorrow.. some hall activity.. a bit of school activity.. some block activity to organize approaching.. some presentation / assigmment coming up.. it all sounds eerily similar after a while and it is hard to distinguish between one from another.. and its all with a nauseating sense of dejavu.. suddenly i am 18 all over again.. the familiar suffocating feeling of responsibility tinged with the fear of academic hell.. the oft repeated efforts at compartmentalizing and attempts at concentrating on one at a time.. i can taste the sour-bitter-sweet taste of very similar memories.. but there is a difference.. it was easier and harder the last time.. the energy levels were different.. the weight of the intervening years presses down this time.. and there is a strange anticipation.. the foreboding of what will come.. then i didn't know.. now i do.. i think i do.. impending fear of doom that somehow gets averted at the last time.. like some familiar Jackie Chan stunt.. seemingly hopeless but always the miraculous escape.. the inevitable triumphs and tribulations that are bound to follow.. the tangled webs that are sure to be weaved.. conflicting egos and disgusting politics.. the anger the joy the peace the laughter the mess the insensibility.. the jumbled up mix of everything that never made any sense anyway... hours and joules and dollars spent on trying to achieve the inane.. the self importance of a cause that has already run its course and should be put to rest.. the constant reminders of keeping the dream alive.. the meaningless utter insanity of trying.. the certain knowledge of irrevocable destruction of an ideal which has lost its context.. the futility of trying to revive the jounrey.. ignoring the fact that it has reached its rightful destination.. the meandering arguments and the circular logic.. the guilt of important things ignored.. of people and ideas left by the wayside.. the distant cries of some vague feeling that calls out.. the plan.. the plot.. the course that was to be.. all left behind.. successfully pushed to a deep dark recess of the devious device that is the mind.. priorities that went misplaced.. the valiant and entirely useless attempts at having it all.. at doing justice to all of it.. the sheer misery at discovering the failure.. the calm acceptance and resignation that this too will come to an end.. the eminently predictable end that marked the beginning of the folly.. the endless thoughts and nonsense.. the stupid bitching about all of this for the world to see..
If you can make sense of all this.. you, like me.. need help!!
If you can make sense of all this.. you, like me.. need help!!
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